


All The Love Left Behind

by choiseokjinie



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Choi Yeonjun - Freeform, Comfort, Hurt, Open Ending, apologies in advance for the open ending, choi beomgyu - Freeform, domestic beomjun, ghost - Freeform, i just didn't know how to end it properly so hm i'll let you decide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:28:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27409624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/choiseokjinie/pseuds/choiseokjinie
Summary: It's been three years and Beomgyu thinks that perhaps he should have moved on by now. But when you find the love of a lifetime, it's not so easy to let go. Or a Beomjun au where Beomgyu is mourning and then surprise Yeonjun's ghost appears.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	All The Love Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> So I really don't know what to say except this hurt me to write because my poor baby bear :( 
> 
> I listened to love songs while I wrote this to try and remember what it's like to be in love but honestly, if it doesn't live up to your ideas just be comforted that I guess it could be better? And I would have attempted some humour in this but I'm not funny so please just enjoy the angst; i get called an angst bitch and put in jail for reasons like this sigh. 
> 
> If you like this, please don't hesitate to leave a comment or a kudos because it would mean a lot to me! 
> 
> And if you wanna chat, hit me up on twitter @choiseokjinie and I would love to talk to you about beomjun dynamics because what else would I do? My homework? Never. 
> 
> Happy reading!

Beomgyu still wasn’t used to waking up undisturbed in the mornings. True, it had been three years but he had to admit he missed being woken up to relentless tickles and soft humming next to his ear. 

No matter how much sleep he lacked, he always cherished the intimate mornings they spent together, waking up just to talk to each other about the day ahead, reflecting on how far they had come since their teenage years. They had grown up a lot, but somehow Yeonjun had maintained his childlike innocence through it all, something that Beomgyu was thankful for because it lightened up the otherwise seriousness of adult life.

Now, everything was different without Yeonjun by his side, his everlasting positivity shining through on even the gloomiest of Beomgyu’s days. He tried to think about how he was no longer in pain, no longer fighting the terrible disease that claimed his days little by little until he was merely a hollow shell of his former self. But he was selfish enough to think about all the days they could have had, all the dreams they had lined up now nothing but a cruel reminder of what could have been.

But despite how his thoughts had started to wander, he forced himself to get up, make the bed and draw back the curtains to let the sunlight in on what was forecasted to be the warmest day of the year. The warmth seeped in from the window and into his bones, enveloping him in a comforting way that he hadn’t felt in a long time; a way that he hadn’t felt since _his_ personal sunshine had dimmed.

He made his way to the bathroom, splashing his face with the cold water and looked at the reflection staring back at him. The darkening circles under his eyes had never seemed to fade, the long and sleepless nights never being kind to him. He had started to grow worry lines on his forehead thanks to the permanent frown he wore on his face, a mirror of the thoughts that were contained inside. 

He glanced down at the yellow toothbrush beside his blue one, wincing at the memories it brought. Arguing over the tiny sink, elbows rubbing against each other as they fought for dominance over the tiny area. It usually ended in the bathroom floor soaked from Yeonjun splashing him with water and Beomgyu would pout until he kissed his sins away.

Nowadays, it felt like it was hard to see the good in anything, as if the world had lost all colour and faded into black and white. No amount of forced smiles or fake laughter could snap him out of it as he quietly lay back and just let the world go on mercilessly, not pausing even once to give him time to get used to his new reality. 

Today marked three years since Yeonjun had passed. But for Beomgyu, it felt like it was just yesterday he was lying on that hospital bed, arms wrapped tightly around him, wishing for all of his pain to just go away. He prayed every hour, praying for _anyone_ to grant him just a little more time with him. 

He was there through all of it; the days when Yeonjun would spend the day fast asleep because his body was exhausted from fighting the disease, the days when he would forget who Beomgyu was, asking him any question that would pop into his head and even the days when Yeonjun was in so much pain all he could offer was his hand for comfort, whispering sweet nothings and hoping that he could have just one more day with him. 

He was there when Yeonjun took his last ragged breath, planting kisses on his forehead as he assured him that it was all going to be ok, that he would be in a place where pain no longer existed. A place that only people like him could go to, a paradise. He remembered the pain as his body went cold, and the nurse eventually had to pry him off the body because they needed to clean it. 

He remembered walking out into the hallway, clutching at his heart as he fell to his knees and cried, desperately wishing that he could have gone with him, not wanting to be alone in a world where Choi Yeonjun didn’t exist. 

He remembered having to put on a brave face in front of everyone at the funeral, not wanting to taint Yeonjun’s memory with how he suffered in his last few days, and instead celebrating how he had lived his life unapologetically and loud, turning everything he touched into magic because he was just that type of person. 

The type of person that was the life of the party, always the one making new friends and talking to strangers on the bus. And through it all, he never once let go of Beomgyu’s hand, always making sure he held it tightly because they were a pair, a package deal, never one without the other. 

He had been dreading this day for the past week, the mere thought of it paralysing him as he tried to ignore it and go about his day to day. Sighing, he knew that no amount of wishing would change the cruel reality of his life so he had no choice but to just start getting ready, heading back to the room.

Beomgyu never touched Yeonjun’s side of the room, leaving everything as he had left it wanting to preserve every little bit of him that he could hold onto. But today, he opened the wardrobe and grabbed his favourite pink jumper, the one he wore only when he was in a good mood and wanted to let Beomgyu know. 

He hugged it to his chest and inhaled, looking for the comforting scent of Yeonjun; but to his dismay, his mind blanked and he could barely even remember what he smelled like anymore. Tears started to sting his eyes as one of his biggest fears was starting to become reality. 

Beomgyu had been afraid that one day, he would wake up and forget just what it was like to know Yeonjun. That one day, he would close his eyes but all his memories of him would fade and he could no longer picture that loving smile head reserved just for him, gazing at him adoringly as he talked about their day. 

He put on the jumper, carefully patting it down as he fixed the rest of his outfit. He didn’t have much to do for today, but if he wasn’t careful time would slip away from him. 

Knowing that he definitely wouldn’t be able to stomach any food right now, he grabbed the car keys and headed out. He still lived in the same apartment complex they had moved into long ago, a small block of flats in an area on the outskirts of Seoul. It probably wasn’t an apartment that most people would be content with, but for two people in their early 20s moving out for the first time, it had been a dream. 

A place that they could call home, with no rules and they could cuddle in bed all day if they wanted to. 

He remembered their very first day in the house. It was daunting, all the empty space, the bare walls, the feeling of being left completely alone. They no longer had the safety net of their parents, the decision to move out causing a huge rift in the family dynamic. But as he stared at Yeonjun, who was gazing around the place in wonder, looking ecstatic at the endless ways they could decorate their place, Beomgyu knew they would be ok. 

The next few weeks after that were a blur, a whirlwind of activities between working out how to do food shopping that didn’t consist mainly of ramen and snacks, assembling furniture that only came up with swedish instructions and learning that you shouldn’t mix your whites with colours, especially red socks. 

But when it was all said and done, the feeling of accomplishment and pride they had was priceless; Yeonjun’s smile as he looked lovingly around their new home that was begging to be filled with new memories was unforgettable. And Beomgyu knew that if he had to do it all again, he wouldn’t miss a beat to keep his love happy. 

Now, as he gazed at the closed front door, his heart wrenched painfully. All of his friends had been trying to convince him to move to a neighbourhood closer to them so he wasn’t left alone all the time; at first he considered it, maybe the change of scenery would do him some good. But Beomgyu was a sentimental person who knew he could never abandon the place, feeling like he would have betrayed Yeonjun if he just up and left, leaving behind everything they had worked so hard for. 

His first agenda today was to pick up some white roses, Yeonjun’s favourite flowers. He always made the effort to pick up fresh ones every few weeks to adorn his grave and give it a warm and comforting vibe, just as Yeonjun himself had been. The thought of passerbys seeing his cold and lonely grave irked him, because it just wouldn’t do his love any justice.

He was going to the cemetery far earlier than usual, but only because he knew that people would flock there today and he just didn’t have it in him to make small talk and pretend that he was doing well, when in reality he was coming undone and barely keeping it together. 

The drive today was harder than usual, the empty passenger seat taunting his loneliness and grief. He envied every car he saw that had more than one person inside, the heat suffocating him despite the breeze floating in through the open window. 

It was hard driving past places that held significant memories for them. He drove past the coffee shop where Yeonjun had taken him for their first day, the restaurant where they had met each other’s family, the local library where they had spent the majority of their school years inside. 

At a stoplight, he saw an old man walking the cutest dog and had subconsciously turned to the seat beside him to make a comment, only to be greeted by an empty seat yet again. 

Grief was a funny thing. Some days you woke up feeling like everything had been a fever dream only to soon realise it was real, some days you woke up and never wanted to leave the bed to wallow in self pity and other days you woke up feeling ok for once, only for the misery to hit you when you least expect it. Those days were the worst. 

Just when you thought you were finally starting to heal and move on, fate would play a sick joke and drag you back to the emptiness and sadness, making you feel absolutely helpless. On those days, Beomgyu would sit in the living room that was far too big for just one person, crumpled in a corner and just cry, cry until he couldn’t breathe, cry until his eyes felt so swollen it was hard to open them. I mean, what else could he do except for mourn the life he had lost? 

Beomgyu parked the car, took a deep breath, clutched the flowers beside him and made his way outside. He just wanted to get it over and done with, so that he could go home and pity himself in the comfort of his bed.

As he approached his grave, he let out a sigh of relief when he saw there was no one else there. He pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and dusted the plaque. 

  
  


_In loving memory of_

**Choi Yeonjun**

**13 September 1999 - 9 June 2027**

**beloved husband, son, friend**

  
  
  


“Hi healingie.” Beomgyu whispered as he lay the flowers down and took a seat. 

He sat there in silence for a while, at a loss for words. The sun was beaming down on him but he felt cold, goosebumps rising on his arm as he continued to stare at the sight before him. 

“I haven’t been doing well without you- but you probably already knew that.” Beomgyu started, staring down at his hands. “Your mom keeps telling me to donate your things, she told me that it would do me some good. But how can I when it feels like accepting that you really are gone and I have no one but myself in this world? 

“It’s been three years but I still remember your promise to take me to Italy and we would eat our weight in gelato. Or your promise to take me to New York and we would gawk at the Statue of Liberty together like the tourists we would be. Or your promise-” Beomgyu faltered, his voice cracking as tears started to fall down his face and he gasped for air. 

“Your promise to grow old with me. You said that even if your knees had grown weak and I had a beer belly, you would still carry me to bed. We would make breakfast every morning, and read the newspaper even though we really couldn’t care less. We would go on walks to the park, and you would listen to me complain how cold it was and you’d still offer me your jacket because you knew that I’d be too stubborn to bring my own.” 

“Junie.” Beomgyu sobbed, breaking down over the taste of his name on his lips, his face buried in his hands as his chest heaved in agony. 

The sight was absolutely pitiful but Beomgyu had lost the ability to care if anyone were to see him. The dam of tears that he had held back the past week had broken and he was now inconsolable, the one person who could make him feel better buried six feet under and out of reach. 

“You know, you were supposed to get over me by now.” A voice beside him said. 

He sobs halted, confusion washing over his features as he tried to take in what was said. He lifted his face from his hands and the sight before him made his heart skip a beat for god knows how long. 

Beside him was Yeonjun, clad in white clothes and staring at him wistfully, a small smile on his lips. 

Beomgyu was in shock. He didn’t know if he had cried so much that he was starting to hallucinate, or he had suffered from heat stroke due to the lack of shade. 

“What?” 

“Saying that though, I haven’t moved on either so I’m here.” 

“I’m going crazy.” Beomgyu muttered, rubbing his eyes in disbelief and shaking his head. But still, he remained. 

“Don’t tell me you stopped believing in ghosts?” Yeonjun teased, as he grabbed Beomgyu’s hand in his, his hands cool to the touch. “Do you know how long it’s taken me to find you again? And now you’re staring at me as if I’m a crazy stranger when minutes ago you were calling for me.” 

“Ho- how? What? Is this a sick joke?” Beomgyu tripped over his words, glancing around to see if there was anyone around. 

But the cemetery was empty, only the two of them its visitors of the day. 

“I thought it was too, you know, when I first woke up and I had no idea what happened. All I could remember was your face, but no name, no memories; I wandered around for ages, confused and scared, desperate to find you but having no clue how or where to start. I mean, it's not like they have a manual for ghosts who are stuck here because they haven’t moved on from their loved ones.” 

“What do you mean haven’t moved on?” Beomgyu asked, getting over the initial shock, gaining an eye roll from Yeonjun. 

“You don’t think you’re the only one who suffered right? I mean, I lost you too Gyu.” 

At the mention of his name, Beomgyu’s tears started to fall again and Yeonjun scooted closer, pulling him into his arms and resting his head on top of him. At the contact, Beomgyu seemed to deflate and he savoured his touch even if he didn’t really understand what was happening. 

“I wasn’t supposed to do this, but then you started crying and I just couldn’t not comfort you.” 

Beomgyu couldn’t bring himself to respond, wanting to savour every second, remember every feeling. He inhaled and breathed in Yeonjun’s scent that he thought he had forgotten, but the smell of lavender and fresh rose petals, the smell of home hit him and he knew he never really forgot. 

“Can you make me a promise?” he asked, and Beomgyu simply nodded. “You can donate my stuff to charity, but please keep this jumper you’re wearing; it looks lovely on you.” 

Beomgyu laughed. Maybe this was a hallucination, or maybe this was a stroke of luck that he got to see him today of all days. But he didn’t want to question it, and instead chose to cherish every moment he could get. 

“I promise.” 

And so they sat there in the sunlight, reminiscing about all the things they had done together, all the things they wanted to do together and all the suffering they had went through. But one thing was for certain, Beomgyu was a fool to think that he could ever move on from his one great love. 

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's an open ending, I know it sucks and it all boils down to one reason: I like open endings and I suck. 
> 
> Hope you liked it!


End file.
